When did it all start slipping away?
was it while I was busy dwelling on the past?
while I sat and angrily blamed?
Was it while I resolved to be all that you were not?
While I wished for more then you had to give?
What a stupid waste of time that was
who am I to judge you?
Who am I to say what should have been?
I feel so stupid and so small
so selfish and so angry
but this time the anger is turned inward
The little girl dresses up in glitter & bows
over sized heels and layers of sheer fabric
waving a wand a straw with dangling ribbon and magic powers
laughing, dancing, filled with light
convinced that the tool in her hand is not recyclable plastic
she can and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand
Who am I to break her dreams?
I AM her she IS me
She waves her wand until her muscles ache
her arm hangs limp and her fingers release the straw
to the ground as she walks away
from her dreams she is defeated
Straws can not magically undo what is done
she feels like she is sinking she is angry
confused at where to release the overwhelming emotions
she still wears the glittery costume in tattered threads
on her overgrown womans body - comfort? strength?
She NEEDS...who? She NEEDS me? I can not help her
She holds out her small chubby hands to me
she CAN and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand
in so many ways she heals the most broken parts of me
she allows me to cry to feel SHE holds me
But I am a mother that is MY job
SHE no I AM that little girl
inside
How do you teach a child importance?
to hold onto a memory to a possession
to cherish something/someone because when it/
when they are gone that that thing will mean so so much
how do you explain that the scars left behind do not fade
the silvery, jagged edges are constant reminders
reminders of a tough lesson learned but only too late
??????????
I am so, so, so, so sorry Daddy
for all the minutes, hours, days, weeks wasted
for every angry, hurt-filled, mean word that I have said
for every memory I have relived with negativity
for all of the times when I was not a good daughter
for the times you felt betrayed
for the tears you have shed because of me
and for the tears I shed for what I felt I was owed
I have learned my lesson
WHY does it have to be too late
I love you with every beat of my heart
I want to make you better
I want to take away your pain
I want...
Another minute
Another chance
Another forever
No comments:
Post a Comment