the pain of a grown childs heart

When did it all start slipping away?
was it while I was busy dwelling on the past?
while I sat and angrily blamed?
Was it while I resolved to be all that you were not?
While I wished for more then you had to give?

What a stupid waste of time that was
who am I to judge you?
Who am I to say what should have been?
I feel so stupid and so small
so selfish and so angry
but this time the anger is turned inward

The little girl dresses up in glitter & bows
over sized heels and layers of sheer fabric
waving a wand a straw with dangling ribbon and magic powers
laughing, dancing, filled with light
convinced that the tool in her hand is not recyclable plastic
she can and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand

Who am I to break her dreams?
I AM her she IS me
She waves her wand until her muscles ache
her arm hangs limp and her fingers release the straw
to the ground as she walks away
from her dreams she is defeated

Straws can not magically undo what is done
she feels like she is sinking she is angry
confused at where to release the overwhelming emotions
she still wears the glittery costume in tattered threads
on her overgrown womans body - comfort? strength?
She NEEDS...who? She NEEDS me? I can not help her

She holds out her small chubby hands to me
she CAN and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand
in so many ways she heals the most broken parts of me
she allows me to cry to feel SHE holds me
But I am a mother that is MY job
SHE no I AM that little girl
inside

How do you teach a child importance?
to hold onto a memory to a possession
to cherish something/someone because when it/
when they are gone that that thing will mean so so much
how do you explain that the scars left behind do not fade
the silvery, jagged edges are constant reminders
reminders of a tough lesson learned but only too late
??????????

I am so, so, so, so sorry Daddy
for all the minutes, hours, days, weeks wasted
for every angry, hurt-filled, mean word that I have said
for every memory I have relived with negativity
for all of the times when I was not a good daughter
for the times you felt betrayed
for the tears you have shed because of me
and for the tears I shed for what I felt I was owed

I have learned my lesson
WHY does it have to be too late
I love you with every beat of my heart
I want to make you better
I want to take away your pain
I want...

Another minute
Another chance
Another forever

7 years and only getting better

Holy Shiatsu its been a long time since I have blogged on here!! I think that all of my blogs have started with some form of that same sentence...I have officially decided that I am WAY over winter and all that it stands for. I hate that little bastard groundhog and I have it in for him and his entire family!!!!

In ten days Tim & I will be celebrating our 7 yr anniversary, I can not believe it has been 7 years! WOW! Looking back I am in serious shock at all we have been through and how much we have grown as a couple! (and obviously a family!) So I think that this is going to be a mushy, gooshy blog for anyone who has a weak stomach look away now!

I feel so blessed that I have found someone who can bring so much to my life daily, even after all these years! I couldn't have picked a more dedicated Daddy for my children. He makes me insanely proud! He works harder then anyone I know, often times not getting home in time to tuck his kids into bed, to provide the very best life for his family. He has made so many sacrifices for us and without hesitation. The first thing I feel every morning are his arms around me hugging me tight and telling me he loves me, that I am beautiful, that he will miss me. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy. I love our many days/nights of being silly and just laughing until we cry. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful man in my life? We have been through so many struggles and obstacles through the years, many times these have challenged our faith, commitment and dedication to each other, to our marriage and every time, through every test we have only come out stronger on the other side. We have learned the importance of communication, trust, respect, and taking responsibility for our own actions if we are in the wrong. We have learned that its ok to say 'you were/are right' and 'I am sorry'.

As I sit here and watch our children playing it makes me feel such an overwhelming sense of pride and satisfaction that we have given them both the very best that we have to offer them. They have a beautiful, warm, safe, loving home and two parents who they can ALWAYS count on no matter the circumstances. I am just as in love today, if not more, then I was 7 years ago when I arrived (an hour and a half late) to walk down the isle and take the last name of my very best friend in this world!

Thank you baby for all that you are and all that you do. I snood you <3

*Photo from our trip to Baxter State Park last summer. They all look so serious in this photo but I still love it.