Ph to the AT!

After coming off of my LOL high from yesterdays post I am now, today feeling a little less jovial. I am trying, reaching to get back up to that great feeling from yesterday and I am not sure what is keeping it suppressed. I am in need of some serious motivation right now. Screw the whole New Years Res crapola, I have needed/wanted/beat myself up over losing weight for....well forever! I am feeling like this time of year is just SOOO stressful when it comes to that goal. Literally every commercial I have seen in the last week has been about some magic weight loss program, weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem, try the shake weight, try the ab rotator, try dancing with the stars, dancing with the pussy cat dolls, dancing on a poll......SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? ENOUGH! I just want to TRY eating less and exercising more!! WITH my husband. It sounds like "well then DO IT" to me but then when I try I feel like there is something holding me back. Here's the thing, I have worked for YEARS on my body image issues. As most of you know I never had a weight problem until the last 7 yrs. but pretty much ever since Jr. High when I look in the mirror I see someone who is morbidly obese....yes MORBIDLY. I tried every diet pill, every exercise gimmick until I finally figured out that just NOT eating and working out until I couldn't see straight was giving me the best results! When I was down to a 90lb skeleton (I thought I FINALLY looked GREAT!) it became clear to those around me that perhaps I should seek medical attention. Long story short for the past 5 years I have been doing extensive 'work' (therapy) for my body issues. After I got married I gained a bunch of weight thanks to birth control and then came even more due to the stress of losing two babies and trying to conceive Bella. I got comfortable in feeding my stress, my pain, my impatience and somehow I cant break that habit!

ALL I want is to be healthy and happy and have my energy back to go swim, hike, play with my kids! I am now at a point where I wish I had someone to do it with! I live out in the boondocks and don't really know anyone out here, I live 40 minutes away from my old gym that I went to and I cant afford to go to the Y. I have a couple of workout videos but the problem with that is that I have to motivate MYSELF to DO them! When I don't do it I just get more and more hard on myself and guess how I deal with it?!?!? *sigh*

I am tired of not recognizing the woman I see in the mirror, feeling the stress of diabetes pounding on my door, the knowledge that if I don't do something that my children will most likely follow in my footsteps....this is a LOT of stress to be carrying around! Maybe if I just lose the stress I would be a size 10 again! I wish that I had more support when it came to really doing this. Not just phone calls "did you do your yoga today"? I am feeling depressed today. I think that the biggest realization is that I have NEVER lived a healthy lifestyle where food was concerned. I am always on the extreme, STOP eating and OVER exercise OR eat to stuff my emotions and sloth around for comfort....Whats the RIGHT way to do it?? I have a fear of scales, I will weigh myself obsessively if I start going that route....I NEED ADVICE!!

Positive reinforcement is great but I don't want to hear what I want to hear. I don't want to be patronized or abused, I do that to myself enough. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with someone who totally has no idea how to deal with what should be a very simple task but when it comes to this I am pretty much like an infant! I don't want to spend another summer crying when I cant buy a bathing suit that I don't think my family will be embarrassed to be seen with me in, I don't want another year of dodging pictures with me in them because I am ashamed of the way I look, I want my kids to have lots of family pics someday! I just want to FEEL better in every sense of the word!!

This is the most friggin depressing crap in the universe and I apologize for throwing it at you all....thanks for being supportive of me...ALL of me the good the bad and the ugly! You guys are my saving grace!!! <3