From the laptop of...

WHEW! It has been a LONG year! I have decided to restart my process of blogging and spiritual growth....they go hand in hand for me. I was doing SO well with my weight loss journey last year and only now am I putting the pieces together that the last blogs I wrote were right around when my Dad's health took a major spiral.

I am totally an emotional eater and so in the last year with all of the stress and ups and downs I have gained back all that weight I lost plus some. I am OVER it! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! We now have DSL and I have no excuse not to get back on track with Sparkpeople.com. Hey it worked and worked well! I look forward to keeping you all updated with my progress on my other blog!

For those of you who have been following along I appreciate all of your support, love and kindness!!!! The last 10 months have been one roller coaster ride after another with my Dad. I felt like we almost lost him this last fall and somehow he managed to push hard and pull through. Dad has finally decided to go ahead and move forward with the living donor transplant! My sister is the first one up to be tested and we are hopeful that she will be a match! I hate so much to see Dad have to go through all of this but I will continue to support him and stay by his side through this fight. His liver function seems to be really doing well right now and he is having lots of good days!

I will blog more as often as I can and will update you all on my weight loss progress! Wish me luck!!!

the pain of a grown childs heart

When did it all start slipping away?
was it while I was busy dwelling on the past?
while I sat and angrily blamed?
Was it while I resolved to be all that you were not?
While I wished for more then you had to give?

What a stupid waste of time that was
who am I to judge you?
Who am I to say what should have been?
I feel so stupid and so small
so selfish and so angry
but this time the anger is turned inward

The little girl dresses up in glitter & bows
over sized heels and layers of sheer fabric
waving a wand a straw with dangling ribbon and magic powers
laughing, dancing, filled with light
convinced that the tool in her hand is not recyclable plastic
she can and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand

Who am I to break her dreams?
I AM her she IS me
She waves her wand until her muscles ache
her arm hangs limp and her fingers release the straw
to the ground as she walks away
from her dreams she is defeated

Straws can not magically undo what is done
she feels like she is sinking she is angry
confused at where to release the overwhelming emotions
she still wears the glittery costume in tattered threads
on her overgrown womans body - comfort? strength?
She NEEDS...who? She NEEDS me? I can not help her

She holds out her small chubby hands to me
she CAN and WILL change the world with the wave of her hand
in so many ways she heals the most broken parts of me
she allows me to cry to feel SHE holds me
But I am a mother that is MY job
SHE no I AM that little girl
inside

How do you teach a child importance?
to hold onto a memory to a possession
to cherish something/someone because when it/
when they are gone that that thing will mean so so much
how do you explain that the scars left behind do not fade
the silvery, jagged edges are constant reminders
reminders of a tough lesson learned but only too late
??????????

I am so, so, so, so sorry Daddy
for all the minutes, hours, days, weeks wasted
for every angry, hurt-filled, mean word that I have said
for every memory I have relived with negativity
for all of the times when I was not a good daughter
for the times you felt betrayed
for the tears you have shed because of me
and for the tears I shed for what I felt I was owed

I have learned my lesson
WHY does it have to be too late
I love you with every beat of my heart
I want to make you better
I want to take away your pain
I want...

Another minute
Another chance
Another forever

7 years and only getting better

Holy Shiatsu its been a long time since I have blogged on here!! I think that all of my blogs have started with some form of that same sentence...I have officially decided that I am WAY over winter and all that it stands for. I hate that little bastard groundhog and I have it in for him and his entire family!!!!

In ten days Tim & I will be celebrating our 7 yr anniversary, I can not believe it has been 7 years! WOW! Looking back I am in serious shock at all we have been through and how much we have grown as a couple! (and obviously a family!) So I think that this is going to be a mushy, gooshy blog for anyone who has a weak stomach look away now!

I feel so blessed that I have found someone who can bring so much to my life daily, even after all these years! I couldn't have picked a more dedicated Daddy for my children. He makes me insanely proud! He works harder then anyone I know, often times not getting home in time to tuck his kids into bed, to provide the very best life for his family. He has made so many sacrifices for us and without hesitation. The first thing I feel every morning are his arms around me hugging me tight and telling me he loves me, that I am beautiful, that he will miss me. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy. I love our many days/nights of being silly and just laughing until we cry. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful man in my life? We have been through so many struggles and obstacles through the years, many times these have challenged our faith, commitment and dedication to each other, to our marriage and every time, through every test we have only come out stronger on the other side. We have learned the importance of communication, trust, respect, and taking responsibility for our own actions if we are in the wrong. We have learned that its ok to say 'you were/are right' and 'I am sorry'.

As I sit here and watch our children playing it makes me feel such an overwhelming sense of pride and satisfaction that we have given them both the very best that we have to offer them. They have a beautiful, warm, safe, loving home and two parents who they can ALWAYS count on no matter the circumstances. I am just as in love today, if not more, then I was 7 years ago when I arrived (an hour and a half late) to walk down the isle and take the last name of my very best friend in this world!

Thank you baby for all that you are and all that you do. I snood you <3

*Photo from our trip to Baxter State Park last summer. They all look so serious in this photo but I still love it.

All can be lost in the blink of an eye

Tonight Tim called me to say if I have Jake all fed by the time that he gets home from work that they will go out to the garage together and work on building Isabella a new book shelf for her bedroom. I made chopsuey (sp) and made sure that they kids were fed by 5:30 when Tim leaves work. Its about a 40 minute drive home for him after work but with this snow it took him an hour and a half...I kind of sat and meditated myself calm for the kids sake but worried like mad on the inside every second that ticked by past 6:30. At 7pm Tim gets home, safe and sound, and I can stop worrying and get on with the nightly rituals. Jake gets all geared up and they grab the dog and the three of them head outside and start to the garage. I had started into the bathroom when I hear Tim stick his head in the front door and holler my name. I could tell that something wasnt right so I hurried into the kitchen to find out what was up. I see Tim herding a bawling Jake and Oreo inside. I am thinking great Jake probably slipped and broke his arm or something.

Jake and Tim are both totally frazzled and incoherently babbling I catch the words ....almost hit, car off the road, and Jesus Christ. I finally got Jake to sit down and breath. I said "You are SAFE, look at me and slowly tell me what happened". I am a problem solver when all hell is breaking loose, so I had this situation COVERED...Jake tells me that he and Tim were getting ready to head over to our other driveway to go to the garage when all of a sudden they just see a bright light and Tim picks Jake up and throws him and then cowers over preparing to be hit as a car slams into the snowbank at the end of our driveway. HOLY $HIT!!! Still I am cool, calm and collected as Tim comes in and reiterates the story he can hardly catch his breath and his back is covered in the snow that flew onto his back from the impact of the car slamming into the bank. I am telling him Jake is safe, YOU are safe, the dog is OK and the people aren't hurt and to try to breath and calm down a little. He was IRATE because these teenagers were driving about 40 MPH and lost control. We live on a country rd and its been snowing for 2 days so its NASTY driving and probably anything more then 25-30 mph right now is signing a death warrant! He was SEETHING that this happened his son, his dog and he were almost killed in the blink of an eye and our snowblower was totaled!

They are safely out in the garage now and the baby is in bed and here I am with my stomach in knots realizing how my entire life almost completely changed in the blink of an eye...I will be sure to hug them extra tight tonight and tell them all how much they mean to me!!!! I don't know how I would continue to breath in and out everyday without all three of them.

Started my new journey today!

I have started a new weight loss journey today and also a new blog so that hopefully I can stay focused and supported through my progress! I would invite all of you to please follow me and help to encourage and maybe even inspire yourselves to join along with me in making 2010 a healthier and lighter year!!

I will, of course, continue to bitch and moan over here on this blog as well! Made ya laugh?? lol I have really enjoyed being able to express myself through the magic of the internet and hope that I can continue to enlighten, inspire, and encourage all of you my friends and family the way that a lot of you enlighten, inspire, and encourage me daily!

Peace & love <3

Ph to the AT!

After coming off of my LOL high from yesterdays post I am now, today feeling a little less jovial. I am trying, reaching to get back up to that great feeling from yesterday and I am not sure what is keeping it suppressed. I am in need of some serious motivation right now. Screw the whole New Years Res crapola, I have needed/wanted/beat myself up over losing weight for....well forever! I am feeling like this time of year is just SOOO stressful when it comes to that goal. Literally every commercial I have seen in the last week has been about some magic weight loss program, weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem, try the shake weight, try the ab rotator, try dancing with the stars, dancing with the pussy cat dolls, dancing on a poll......SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? ENOUGH! I just want to TRY eating less and exercising more!! WITH my husband. It sounds like "well then DO IT" to me but then when I try I feel like there is something holding me back. Here's the thing, I have worked for YEARS on my body image issues. As most of you know I never had a weight problem until the last 7 yrs. but pretty much ever since Jr. High when I look in the mirror I see someone who is morbidly obese....yes MORBIDLY. I tried every diet pill, every exercise gimmick until I finally figured out that just NOT eating and working out until I couldn't see straight was giving me the best results! When I was down to a 90lb skeleton (I thought I FINALLY looked GREAT!) it became clear to those around me that perhaps I should seek medical attention. Long story short for the past 5 years I have been doing extensive 'work' (therapy) for my body issues. After I got married I gained a bunch of weight thanks to birth control and then came even more due to the stress of losing two babies and trying to conceive Bella. I got comfortable in feeding my stress, my pain, my impatience and somehow I cant break that habit!

ALL I want is to be healthy and happy and have my energy back to go swim, hike, play with my kids! I am now at a point where I wish I had someone to do it with! I live out in the boondocks and don't really know anyone out here, I live 40 minutes away from my old gym that I went to and I cant afford to go to the Y. I have a couple of workout videos but the problem with that is that I have to motivate MYSELF to DO them! When I don't do it I just get more and more hard on myself and guess how I deal with it?!?!? *sigh*

I am tired of not recognizing the woman I see in the mirror, feeling the stress of diabetes pounding on my door, the knowledge that if I don't do something that my children will most likely follow in my footsteps....this is a LOT of stress to be carrying around! Maybe if I just lose the stress I would be a size 10 again! I wish that I had more support when it came to really doing this. Not just phone calls "did you do your yoga today"? I am feeling depressed today. I think that the biggest realization is that I have NEVER lived a healthy lifestyle where food was concerned. I am always on the extreme, STOP eating and OVER exercise OR eat to stuff my emotions and sloth around for comfort....Whats the RIGHT way to do it?? I have a fear of scales, I will weigh myself obsessively if I start going that route....I NEED ADVICE!!

Positive reinforcement is great but I don't want to hear what I want to hear. I don't want to be patronized or abused, I do that to myself enough. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with someone who totally has no idea how to deal with what should be a very simple task but when it comes to this I am pretty much like an infant! I don't want to spend another summer crying when I cant buy a bathing suit that I don't think my family will be embarrassed to be seen with me in, I don't want another year of dodging pictures with me in them because I am ashamed of the way I look, I want my kids to have lots of family pics someday! I just want to FEEL better in every sense of the word!!

This is the most friggin depressing crap in the universe and I apologize for throwing it at you all....thanks for being supportive of me...ALL of me the good the bad and the ugly! You guys are my saving grace!!! <3

I am on a mission...

...a mission to make you laugh! At me, with me, its all good!

FACT:
* Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
* Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
* Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
* Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

Yesterday Jake asked me if I had a role model I thought for a minute and said "Yes, Ellen Degeneres". The more I thought about it the more reasons I came up with to feel this closeness to her. I have been a stay at home mom for about 6 years now, I am GOOD at this because of Ellen...hear me out...Each morning I wake up (sometimes good sometimes rather abruptly with people fighting, babies crying, someone with a green hue telling me they need to "fro up"), thank God, and face my day depending on how it faces me...at 10am I see the old familiar light of the DVR reassuring me that I can depend on IT and that no matter how busy I am Ellen will be there waiting for me. EVERYDAY I sit for 40 minutes and I laugh, I laugh at her, with her, with her audience, guests, her total inhibition and easy nature I just soak it up and I laugh out loud, sometimes until I cry and almost every day when that 40 minutes is over I find myself with a smile planted on my face.

I just did a little research (hence my brilliant factoids above) and was amazed at just HOW healing and empowering laughter really is! SO I am making it MY mission to make you all laugh on a daily basis (I promise to do my best - like a good boy scout) I want all of you to live healthy and happy and LONG lives! So with each new birthday that you celebrate I expect you to lift your glasses/bottles/shots/steins/kegs (more likely you will need to be lifted for a keg stand) and toast to ME for providing you with ONE more year, your welcome, I wouldn't just do it for anyone you know! I SINGLE HANDEDLY would like to be responsible for each one of your lives and there for attached to this will be a list of my demands! haha...made you laugh, GOD I'm good at this!!

Sometime when you are having a bad day or your feeling stressed out be that guy who is sitting in the conference room and all of a sudden remembers that one time when that thing happened and start laughing your face off, OTHER PEOPLE WILL LAUGH TOO!! I cant help but laugh when I hear someone belly laugh or MY FAVORITE if someone laughs at themselves!! GOD I love that! The other day Tim and I were talking about the different kinds of funny people, there are those people who TRY to be funny, and lets face it few ever really live up to their own arrogance- I like to call them "Mr. Funnyman" look at me and how HIGHlarious I am...egh...they get annoying. Then there is the people who are like SUPER funny at stand up and entertaining but in real life they are kinda a dick....they cant help it, once you get paid for your funny it becomes a commodity. I then stopped to think about what kind of funny am I? You all tell me constantly that I crack you up and I genuinely don't TRY to a lot of the time. I am kind of sneaky funny, which totally works for me because things will fly right out of my mouth that then strike me as hilarious and so I make myself laugh...THE BEST THING EVER!! Its like so awesome because I am like one of those people who can tickle themselves...NOT right but just priceless!! You know what else is great? I have an ugly laugh...you know the people who have an ugly cry and they just make this face like they just got slomo bitch slapped? Their faces, cheeks and mouth get all cockeyed and they have spit, snot and tears coming out all at once? I laugh like that!! If I am tired, drinking or something REALLY funny hits me I go into my ugly laugh!! Spit, snot, tears its like I was just gassed but this always makes someone else laugh AT me!!

I am LOVING this blog! I think it might be my favorite so far!! As part of my New Years resolutions I will add this to my list! If I can make you all laugh, and therefore make myself laugh I have given myself more self worth! I don't think I am great at many things, being a mom, I do my best but I am good at making you guys laugh, you have proven this so many times and if I can make you guys as happy as Ellen makes me then WOW I am kinda living up to my role model which is just an awesome feeling!! Ellen is so funny, giving, down to Earth, talented, beautiful and courageous and if I could mean a tiny slice of what she means to me to someone else then I think that just might be one of the greatest achievements in my life!

SO here's to laughing until your belly hurts, tears, snot, and spit are spewing and you almost....ooops....make a tiny little wee!! I love you guys, thanks for making ME laugh and I hope that together we can continue laughing together until we are old, old, old!!


Resources: http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm