Lets reflect shall we?

Over all I am happy to report that 2009 was a pretty great year! I cant remember the last time I was able to boast that! Of course we had our ups and downs but sitting here looking back I really cant complain! We had to say goodbye to our kitty Zango who was struck by a car in late fall. We miss him a lot and have since adopted our new kitty Marley who seems to be a reincarnation of Zango which has made that all a little more bearable! RIP Zango Furry Pants the Third.

I survived the first day of school for my baby and didn't even cry! (yay mommy!!) I was scared to death about all that free time I was going to have. I have never been very good at being alone or not having someone to take care of! I have been working since I was 16 and almost all of my jobs included me taking care of another person. I was afraid I would be depressed and or a shut in in my house but alas I find that the four hours a day that I get while the kids are in school are quite productive! (or not if I don't choose to make them so) I can go to appointments and not have to worry about a babysitter, I can run errands and be in and out in record time (like I like), I can sew, craft, take pictures and catch up on DVR shows if I want and oh the naps!!!! Oh yeah, and there is the housework too!

Even though I felt like we got screwed out of a summer it was SO exciting to find the lake in Lincoln and be able to enjoy taking the kids there when it wasn't raining!! Every once in awhile I think about the day that I saved that baby from drowning and what a huge deal that was. I have a hard time praising myself for things but I am really proud of myself, that I jumped into action and did what I did. Someone was looking out for that little girl that day because if I think about it everything happened oddly but for a reason - what made us be there when we were? It also feels good that my kids were able to see me do that and it brought up a lot of questions about how they felt and what they would do in that situation. One thing that we WILL do in 2010 is to do a family CPR/First Aid certification course! Our summer, though VERY short, was so nice and spent as a family! We did lots of new and neat things like exploring Baxter and I got to learn that my love of hiking seems to have rubbed off on my kids! We cant wait until spring/summer 2010 to hit some trails and do some camping, swimming and boating!

I have also had a chance to make some really great friends this year! I love that I am feeling more confident to come out of my shell! I am pathetically shy which can sometimes make me feel awkward in social settings but have worked really hard on not being so hard on myself and trying to be more approachable! We have been having a great time with the Farley's! Jody & Lee Ann are super great, hands on parents which is really perfect! We don't feel like we need to ship our kids off to a sitter to spend time with them! Its always craziness with the 5 kids, animals and dinner going but we have been able to really make it work and have a lot of fun!!! We have also met some really great people through Cub Scouts! We are continually getting closer with some of the families who are involved in that but have made a really wonderful friend in Chris Kelley and his family!! Thanks Chris for all you have done for us this past year as well as the hope and confidence you have instilled in Tim. It has been really wonderful getting to know you and we look forward to getting the gang together for a Coffee Pot sammie building night!! I have also met some really nice people through the kids school and have become much more involved in school now that both kids are there! I look forward to building on these friendships as well as the possibility of making some new connections in the new year!

Its all about FAMILY!! I have had an AMAZING year with family! Good AND bad but I couldn't be happier with the way things are right now! I have been able to share feelings, thoughts and concerns with my loved ones and seem to be settling into a new relationship with my parents now that we are all adults. I have found peace with some hard things from my past and can now build on in the present! My Nan started off the new year recovering from a scary hospitalization and illness and for the first time in my 30 yrs I noticed she was old. (She will be 90 this year) I have made a point to spend as much time with her and my other two grandparents as I could this year, my kids and I are so lucky to have them all in such great health and be able to make lasting memories with them so hopefully Jake & Bella will always remember them. We found out that my Dad has some petty serious and scary health problems and that with the combination of them all had to hear the words terminal, talk about a reality check! Dad & I have always loved each other but sometimes we needed a little help keeping our relationship on track and I am so thrilled with how far we have come this year! We are closer then ever and I have regained my position of 'Daddy's Little (well maybe old and fat now) Girl' I have been so blessed this year and have really been able to see how great my parents are, they sure have been there for me when I needed them! I also have been able to get closer with extended family like Vicki, Paula, Kara...the list goes on through Facebook!! I don't think it would be right to be on this topic and not mention my little nucleus! Tim & the kids are my driving forces! I am married to a man who I love with my whole being, he makes me proud, crazy, laugh & feel loved, special & beautiful all at the same time! I feel like we are stronger now then ever and the wonderful feeling of waking up next to my best friend doesn't ever go away! My kids, as they grow are really morphing into some cool people! They love & fight with equal passion but they make me laugh and cry and I am sooo proud and inspired by them!

We continue to be very happy in our little, country, home! I always love it when its all decorated for Christmas, it has such a cozy feel. Tim has really started to turn his garage into a workable station for his tools, woodworking, & 'man junk' and we are feeling much more settled and confident about what we need to do as home owners!

I would like to look into some new things in this new year. I have had it mentioned to me numerous times by my therapist that she thinks I would be a really great LCSW (weird huh lol) which is so cool since that's what I started going to collage for back a million and ten years ago! I have also considered the possibility of me doing some writing and seeing where that gets me. I still love my photography and will never give up on that but in this economy I just feel like it needs to be set on hold for a little while. I am looking forward to 2010 and exploring these as well as many other new options, ideas and avenues! I have been enjoying learning new things about myself and teaching myself how to stay grounded in body, mind & soul.

I wish you all much luck, love, laughter and prosperity in the coming year! Thank you all who are reading this for the part you took in making my 2009 a great one!!

Peace & love
Ape

Epiphany! *cue the heavenly music*

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about being a parent. What does it mean? I mean, physically, ANY idiot can MAKE & then DELIVER a baby but does that make them a parent? In my humble opinion it does not. I do not think that having the ability and taking the responsibility are even in the same deck of cards. I don't believe that "parents" fit in a box...I do not think that there needs to be ONE female and ONE male (either the ones who created the life or otherwise) I also do not think that they need to be a certain age, religion or economic status. I do not believe just because someone lives with his or her biological 'parents' until they are old enough to be on their own that they then get handed the parent card. I used to think that my parents really screwed me up. They weren't there enough, weren't THERE enough, they fought too much and then gave up on their marriage, they were too strict, not strict enough, should have done a million and one things different but now, from a parents perspective, I realize this: No matter what they did wrong OR even what they did right what makes them my parents is that WHEN IT REALLY MATTERED/S they were/are there. When I need to cry, vent, when I am sick or scared they are here. They are here for me NOW they are here for their grandchildren NOW! Forgetting the past isn't easy, of course they made mistakes, we ALL do but to know that if I need them right now I can call them no matter what time day or night makes me feel so blessed, so loved, so filled with inspiration to be the very best PARENT that I can be to my own kids. I will never turn my back on them. I may not like all the choices that they make but I will work my hardest to teach them commonsense and good problem solving skills so that no matter who they turn out to be or who they decide to be WITH that I will ALWAYS love and support them!!! So for all that you guys did right and all that you could have done differently THANK YOU Mom, Dad & Charlotte, Aunt Jude, Uncle Ralph, Grammy, Grampy, Nan & Poppy for the most invaluable lessons in parenting & life!! You all are my world! I love you all so much and cherish all the days that we have had & hope to continue to grow and learn from all that you still have to teach me!

House or a funny farm??

I have been so busy getting ready to not kill myself for the holidays that I forgot to blog about it! Here is the gift I received from the kids school this year....TWO more days of vacation!!! WOOOT! Bastards! (The school not the kids....) When I got the calendar from school at the first of the year it said vacation was from the 22nd on THEN they turn around and change it! Thanks! I didn't NEED those 8 extra hours to finish wrapping, baking, shopping, shoveling, cleaning, mailing, or anything else...I was ALL SET!

THEN what is with 4 year olds??? She is always hungry but..."I'm not hungry for my supper, I am hungry for something else"....really??? That's a sad, sad, story! Perhaps you should have been given better parents who will let you eat fruit snacks, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese and cookies all day long!! (She really did get the short end of the parent stick didn't she!) She has been bouncing off the walls ALLLLLL week long and I am about to go bury her in a snowbank!! I do not remember this with Jake but I am sure its normal since Vicki and I commiserate all the time about Bella and Michael! I think that they telepathically cousin communicate to each other and see what naughty things they can do!! Last night the little critter actually SPIT in her brothers plate at dinner....WITH COMPANY HERE! Thank God they have three kids so its not news to them!!

Today I am trying to bake, keep the cat, the dog, the kids out of the gifts under the tree, I still haven't taken a shower OR do I even know if I have clean clothes to wear as laundry got put on the back burner with all the craziness I had to do....So I may be heading to my grandmothers later with my hair frozen to my head and my ass hanging out but I WILL have a Merry Christmas!!!

* and I hope you all do as well!!!!

Sing, sing out loud...

I had a REALLY bad day today! Sometimes Tim and I let outside sources effect our communication and we let things build up well today we blew! There was some major carnage! Its so stupid that we let life do it to us sometimes. We usually have such great communication and we rarely have fights but every once in awhile we do. When the smoke clears and we are able to patch up our wounds and sit down and talk it out we realize that what we were fighting about was secondary. Anyway so today was a rough day. I spent most of it crying. Tonight was the kids Holiday concert at school and because of my crappy mood/day I was REALLY not looking forward to it! When it comes to my anxiety issues it helps if I have a pretty even keel day where I can meditate and get myself in a calm place to be in a social setting. Obviously this was not looking good! I have to say that sometimes children REALLY put things into perspective for me in their own, innocent way!

I knew both kids would sing with their classes and that also Jake would perform with the band and he had a solo what I didnt know is that I have two of the freakin funniest kids in Greenbush!!!! First of all the band played and Jake did his solo perfectly and I teared up when he was thru. I was SO SO SO SO (infinity) proud of him!! Then it was time for the PreK-2nd grades to do their thing. Miss Izzy was front and center and looked adorable in her little red plaid jumper and maryjanes I wanted to eat her up! The teacher gets their attention and they are off I couldnt tell you what they sang because I was in fits of laughter at my dainty little daughter. My mom said "where is Izzy"? I said "she is the one in the front picking her nose"!! LOL The next thing I know she is pulling her dress up over her head and doing some dance moves I have never seen before! It was soooo funny Tim and I were just shaking our heads and laughing and then she saw us, waved, upped the volume, and gave us a thumbs up! We thought we had seen it all until next up came 3rd-5th grade, again I have no clue what the song was but it was a snappy one! They would sing a phrase and then the music had kazoos, bells, zippy noises at the end of each phrase and each time Jake would do some hilarious jesture like ping the ball on his santa hat, or make a peace sign by his mouth and then push his lips up into a smile it doesnt sound as funny as it was but mom, tim, annemarie, izaac and I were literally in tears! It was obvious that it wasnt part of the choriography but my God it was the funniest thing I saw all night! Of course we werent recording that but we think we know someone who may have been! I will post the videos asap!!

Needless to say when we got the kids to bed after telling them how amazing they were tonight and how proud we were of them Tim and I sat down to hash out our issues realizing how blessed we are and how we need to cherish every minute of every day that we have together! These kids may make us crazy from time to time but they also bring us so much joy and so much closer together everday!!!

Somebody stop me!

I just read this quote: "Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution". This means there is hope after all! Mazal tov!

I am so, so, soooooooo tired tonight! I drove for the first time this (official) winter - for us Mainers that breaks down to after God dumped 45 feet of snow and slush on the roads - in our new van (thank you Kelley clan!!) I am like one of those scary winter drivers, not so much because I am a BAD driver as much as I am scared crapless that everyone else on the roads ARE! AND lets face it once you live out in the boonies you find out pretty quickly that unless you drive a king cab, 4wd, w/ a plow then you have no business ON the roads PERIOD! I cant tell you how many times I have almost been forced off the roads by some ass driving one of these 'overstuffed rigs' (no offense to my few friends who have one)! I digress....so here I am driving myself to the post office (I know hold on right! Hey somebody needs to get the Christmas cards!) IN the new van, ON the roads of death, with my colon so clenched it was inside out, singing Santa Baby at the top of my lungs, and a plow truck coming up fast from behind when I hit a curve that was a bit....pissy (as I like to call it) and all of a sudden I feel the back wheels trying to meet up with the front - at this moment I feel every muscle in my body tighten and let a few expletives slip! Long story short, I am fine BUT I hurt, my whole body feels all tense and tired! I hope that this gets easier as the winter progresses or I am screwed!

Tonight was the cub scout holiday extravaganza...the only thing that would make this more 'fun' would be if someone invited my in laws and there was a mandatory tazing station! God love em they are LOUD and WILD!!! There was a ton and a half of sugary treats, which I dont really let my kids have much of so Isabella was literally bouncing off the walls and being manic as hell!!! I am in serious need of a stiff drink, a hot bath and a good book but all of those things take a bit more energy then I have mercilessly been left with!

AND while I am on a role we STILL havent put up our Christmas tree yet! WTH!!! Tim has promised to be home tomorrow night after work and we will have family night and do it then!! Its about at the point where there isnt much sense in putting it up because I will take it down a week later!!

I better go find my pillow and my blanket before someone gets hurt! lol Did I mention I was tired?? I tend to get a little punchy when I am lacking sleep!

Good night world!

In Winter its a Marshmallow World

Woke up to Tim "the weather man" Cottle informing me that school had been canceled. Ok whatever, its December in Maine, it happens...I look outside...nothing. Not a damn flake, no wind, no nothing. I am thinking back on my school days where we went to school in HORRID conditions and no one blinked an eye. Man kids these days are spoiled!

Since I have a hunch that - based on TWC - there will be no school tomorrow either I am trying to plan ahead and have some craty thing that we can all do. Today was a whole lot of fighting and crabbiness. The kids did go outside for a little while but I am ready for Daddy to get home!!!

I think we are going to put up the tree tonight, assuming that my children susvive until after supper. I have been working like mad making our ornaments for the 'Nightmare Before Christmas Tree'! I think they look good. I even commisioned Jake to make a few with me this afternoon while Bella was(nt) sleeping. I am really not feeling like its Christmas and its kind of sucking a little. I usually try to hype myself up for the kids and make it a jolly holly holiday but man something is stuck between the gears this year! I thought all of this snow might help make me more in the mood and that first storm really did but now I am just whatever about the whole thing again. This weekend is Tim's company's kids Christmas Party at the Childrens museum so maybe that will be the thing to push me over the holiday spirit edge. I did end up getting our Christmas Cards done and I really, really am happy with the way they turned out! I have mailed out the first batch the 2nd should be mailed out at the beginning of next week but I am excited for you all to see them! The kids cooperated really well this year and the photo is wicked cute!

Hope all of you readers are feeling holiday-ee and enjoying this time of year with all of your family!

He is DATING??!?!?!?

Last night Jake came into my office and handed me a crumpled up piece
of paper and said "I want to tell you this but I dont want to talk
about it right now" and ran off. I opened it up and it said "I am
dating Sareena" on it. I didnt say anything, I was getting ready to do
my Christmas cards and needed a pen so I went in his room and asked if
he had one. He didnt so I said OK and came back out. He poked his head
out of his door and said "Momma did you even read that paper I gave
you"? I said I had and he said OK and shut his door.

A little bit later he came out into the living room to say he would go
out to the car and get me a pen if I needed him to. (LOL) I said that
it was ok, I had found one. I said "Can I ask you a question"? he said
yes and sat down and I said "Did you think I would be mad at you"? he
nodded his head and I asked why he thought that. He didnt know and
just shrugged his shoulders. I said "Can I ask how all this came
about"? He said "well it started back when we went to Cinderella but
then it kind of faded because we didnt really work out (LOL) but then
I asked her again the other day on the bus so now we are back on
again". I said "oooh, ok well what does 'dating' mean, do you hug,
hold hands"??? He said "well we dont hug or anything but yeah we hold
hands". his face was all flushed and he was acting all nervous so I
said "You know Jake I kind of knew that you had a crush on her for
awhile and I dont think there is anything to feel embarrassed about,
if you and your sister find people who make you happy and you want to
spend time with then that makes me happy too". His eye got all huge
and he said "How did you know"?? I told him mother know things like
that some times. I asked him if he talked to her on the phone (I know
he doesnt) and he said "well no, I gave her my number awhile ago but
she might have lost it so I will give it to her again tomorrow and
then you and her mom can talk"! (LMAO) I said "NO thats OK, I think we
will just keep things the way they are for now"!!!

*sigh* Seriously?? He is DATING?? He is NINE!!! This is sooo funny!
Please dont mention it to him but I am so proud that he came and
talked to me about it!!! I am sure that this whole thing will last 5
minutes but it sure does feel good that he trusts me enough to let me
in on these kinds of things!

Hello and welcome, please take a seat.

Hola friends, family and those of you who feel the need to check up on me,

I am stealing this idea from another friend and I thought it looked like a fun idea! (thanks Rach) I am hoping that I can stick to this and add a little something each day - I always have great intentions for this kind of thing and then it quickly fizzles out like a can of soda left sitting on the end table...who ever takes a can of soda but says to themselves "I just want a sip, I will leave the rest of it to throw out tomorrow when its beyond consumable"? but nevertheless it still happens! Today we woke up to snow! I am not snows number one fan, I wouldn't even say I am on snows friend list, but it does help to bring on the holiday cheer. Isabella on the other hand has been jumping out of her jammies all morning long anticipating building that snowman, sledding....you know all of those magical things that are rather improbable in 4 inches of snow! If there is one thing I can say for my child, she is tenacious! By God they DID build a snowman - or should I say JAKE built a snowman, every time I looked up all I saw was Bella's boots and her face planted in the snow eating it...I know I should have discouraged this and at one point I could be heard shouting "BELLA NOT THERE THATS WHERE THE DOG POO POOS"! but she was just so cute and lets face it from here on out there isn't much pretty or clean about snow....so maybe she got it out of her system...



Today, after lunch we will finish putting out our Christmas decorations. Everyone is pretty excited! We have started a new tradition of a "Theme tree" this actually was introduced to me many moons ago by my dads girlfriend, Charlotte, who has done many, many different theme trees over the years - to the point of having to promise Dad that this year she will go traditional (now if only she had traditional ornaments!). She has had some good ones too! One year she did a money tree (both fake and real bills folded in origami fans), an orange tree (my favorite) where she had sliced oranges and gold bows hanging on the tree, it was really quite beautiful! Another cool idea was when she made elephants (like far east style) and everyone who came to the house to visit sat down and got to make and decorate and elephant to add to the tree - very fun! Last year was our first theme tree. We decided on a Domo tree (google him, very cute) and this year we will do 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' Jack Skellington theme! Its one of our favorite movies and we love to craft our ornaments! This year air dry clay and sharpies will be our medium!

I love doing this! Its brings us all together by all having to decide on one theme and then working together to execute! I will definitely post pictures!!

I suppose that this should be where I sign off as I have a 4yr old who is growing increasingly impatient for lunch and decorations! Thank you all for spending a few minutes with me and my random thoughts!

Peace & Love